Type A+

8 May

My husband calls me a Type A+, because apparently it doesn’t do me justice to just say I am a Type A person. Two months into our decision to start a family, I now have over 6 books, 5 iphone apps, and countless google searches about all things pregnancy. The unfortunate thing about trying to make a baby, is that it is unlike any endeavor I have ever undertaken you can’t work harder to make it happen. No matter how many books I read or apps I use, I can’t make my body do anything it doesn’t want to. The more obsessive I become, the more I worry that I will actually harm my chances, by stressing myself out. That said, I am too Type A+ to just passively wait for everything to fall in place. No. In the meantime I will be charting temperatures and reading articles because that is just what someone like me would do.  The control freak in me can’t help itself. Don’t judge me.

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Too Good to Be True

19 Apr

As someone who largely survived a terrible childhood, I count my blessings often. I am so grateful to have the life I have now. I truly had no expectation that I would be lucky enough to both attain my long-held dream of becoming a lawyer AND marrying a terrific man who treats me like gold. Although I am generally a positive person, there are times when I wait for the other shoe to drop. I wonder if my luck will finally run out. As my husband and I are now ready to start a family, I quietly wonder if I am finally going to meet the misfortune that I sometimes expect to find me. Could I really live that charmed a life that I could start my own family with a man who I think will make one of the best fathers ever? He is already an amazing husband. I hate that I even wonder that, but in the slow waiting to find out if we were succesful this month I can’t help it.  I hope my worries are unfounded. I hope this will all be a silly afterthought soon. For now I get to wait and look forward to what the future may or may not hold.

Genius

11 Mar

So in all my type A++ behavior I actually miscalculated when would be the best time to make a baby. Genius right? So now I am totally annoyed with myself. I probably would have figured it out earlier, but since I felt sick for a week I thought I had it right. I just want to make a baby already and I am super impatient with myself, less than one month in. I feel like I am seeing baby stuff everywhere I go. If I was capable, I would totally kick myself right now. Guess the hubby is going to be getting lucky all next month. Hey, better safe than sorry!

Peeing on sticks

10 Mar

After years of marriage my husband and I decided we were ready to finally start a family. Cue the type A++ behavior and I dived head first into learning everything about ovulation, eggs, conception. I looked at calendars and tried to triangulate optimal baby making charts.

Obviously the actual baby making attempt was more fun than conducting my research.  Days after what I thought was our conception window, I started to feel nauseated in the morning. We were cautiously optimistic that it was a sign of things to come. Success in one try! We didn’t want to tell anyone at first, but with the morning sickness arriving every morning we started to think it might be safe to think we really did it. I called my mom and tried to ask how long it took her to know she was pregnant. During at least one pregnancy she too started to feel sick almost immediately. This gave us more reason to hope and tell a couple more people. Then abruptly after a week, the feeling of morning sickness went away.

I bought a couple of pregnancy tests and thought about testing myself even though I knew it was too early for it to work.  Part of me didn’t want to pee on the sticks in my bathroom at all. I kind of thought that the magic of thinking I was pregnant would dissipate if the pink lines told me I was not pregnant (yet).  Still I grabbed a stick and took it out of its crinkly wrapper.  After using it, it looked back at me. One line. Not pregnant. No more magic.

Another week later I find myself analyzing every feeling and wishing the morning sickness and feeling of certainty that I am pregnant would return. Now I just feel bummed I told anyone, because it looks like it might be a false alarm this month. I guess I learned my lesson. Mums the word until I actually see those two lines staring back at me.

Bad Mamma Jamma ... With a PhD!

Eclectic Thoughts on Life and Living